sky high

ok so this post has nothing to do with the tittle. just the fact that my continuous fascination about the sky i.e clouds, stars and raindrops. 

and so taking my second repeated module...and hopefully the LAST repeated module. this 2013 JAN is passing too quickly. before u know it it is going to be feb and i have TONS to do. project proposal, CNY and followed by exams. and then before u know it again half of my classmates will be flying off to NZ. MEH. aft the last time gg on a trip with anyone that lasts more than a week or two...i better be more cautious and hence, not going. 

starting to feel more at ease and less awkward with the junior class. even had thoughts that i would fit in better with this batch. the atmosphere is just different. more light and airy. more friendly with more laughs despite the stressful everydays. quite a difference i must say. however...the intelligence level is comparable or even better D: 

i really need to be "on the ball"... ahh expectations expectations...

i stay true to myself. 
if im not happy i show it.
if i am i show it.
so what if that is wearing my emotions on my sleeve
at least im being real.

letting go

just back from a winter white christmas in KOREA. whoo! with dearest :D and dearest says my favourite hobby is to collect korean passport stamps. AHAHHA. kidding. expensive eh.
brrr. it was shivering cold there. ICY-16oC cold." fingers wanna drop off and you cant even feel it" kinda cold. BUT. i love the cold AHAHHA. saddist as it may seem....back in singapore i instantly got sick prolly due to airplane food (which i promise myself never to eat anymore). but i ascertain it to being "korea sick
" NOPE. not sick of korea. NEVER! but like miss korea till im sick. like home sick ya know. 

so went to places i didnt go to before like apgujeongand namdaemun hongdae and revisted places like insa dong myeong dong, dongdaemun and ehwa uni. just awesome awesome. all except for apgujeong .... rly not my range of pricing for things. but being winter didnt get much clothes more of cosmetics....next time i wld just go to myeong dong, dongdaemun, ehwa and hongdae. so just 2 days in seoul and more time at like say....daegu~~ or gyeonggi-do~~ really miss korea already. singaporeans r rly fortunate in some sense. especially the subway lines yo!

anyway the day after coming back from korea was a nightmare. vomitted 3 times and diarrhea. ECKS. horrible experience. 

and on a random or not so random note...
letting go of hatred or resentment...really makes you really free. all that hatred just consumes you. but when u let it go...u can concentrate on other things. being the bigger person. just really pays off in that sense

cheers~ merry christmas to everyone~ 
there are 12 days to christmas so im nt late :P

my big break

life is really unpredictable. have you ever wondered how many ppl would actually be sad to see you go? would they visit u at the hospital? would they go to ur funeral. or will they say "good riddance"

that was just random.

on a brighter note.. first repeat paper over..if i were to fail it AGAIN. i should just kill myself. 
so now its the hols and its KOREA again!! woots~ winter this time. hope to see snow just like in the tweet pics i have been seeing :) not VERY excited abt the shopping...coz its winter...but still EXCITED for the FOOOODDD and also the atmosphere. HEHES. seeing celeb's endorsements and hearing them in the shops..just the thought of it and it lifts my spirits...ahh~ and it will be the first holiday with dearest! :D

but yet...thinking abt what im leaving behind in singapore...my barely started project just makes me slightly nervous. 

glad for this break. and yet another christmas overseas :)

happenings

lets start with the most recent thing! 

i went to JB for the first time! WOOT WOOT. yeah i know im like 21 alr and never been there >.> in fact the FIRST time i went to ANY part of M'SIA at all was like in 2010 to genting and KL with levinaaaa~
so anyway i have always heard things abt JB. both good and bad...like the stuff there is really cheap but dangerous place etc. but ah well...went w eugene dear n his parents and i was really excited to see how it is really like there...
i FINALLY bought a replacement phone cover ( coz SG doesnt stock nice S2 covers anymore T.T) and i changed my screen protector and all cost like less than 10SGD! i was so happy! (not abt the price but tt i finally found it aft searching for so long) 
went to JUSTCO and had the korean food that eugene's family talks abt ever so often...well its ok i guess...yeah reasonable price but not the best korean food i have eaten i guess...then i went to their supermarket. so many ppl! >.< then proceeded on the GIANT. some of the things there are really quite cheap! like the MAGNUM ice cream! 10 RM for 3!! on top of that they have flavours not available in SG! i was like O.O! in the end MAN! they REALLY bought ALOT of stuff! 
the jam is really terrible and their system there is really quite backwards...what do singaporeans have so much to complain abT?! :) but it was a great change of environment for a date...although it was w the parents...i wld definately want to go there again! 

and so...moving on...classes has been so bleh...juniors are really nice ppl...puts us to shame honestly...but im such an anti social i cant even stand it. and so loneliness always sets in...and this week i learnt tt loneliness is a horrible thing...makes us think or do things that we wld never have thought we wld...
on top of that...no one to really push and give me the momentum to study...so really slacking off alot and not rly having the urgency to study although im supposed to be scoring better since it is my second try. and my FYP is also suffering >.< so behind schedule if i might say so myself 

and so christmas is coming! so excited for it! prepared some gifts to give to others before i go for my holiday....once again...it will be a christmas overseas and hopefully a white christmas again :) i think half of my life i have spent christmas overseas....however, i wld like to visit a place in autumn one day. 

and now tt i am 21....im afraid of the unknown :/ 

friends and what nots

and so have sorta started again...re-taking packaging and engineering with the juniors :/ all alone from the senior batch coz the others bailed n dropped out. thank god for that really nice NYP junior that i sat next to.... and that levina's office is just near by for me to have lunch with during really long lunch breaks...just to chit chat n brighten my somber mood...

i hate to admit it...but i miss lynnette! D: hahahas. i miss the teh o peng da that we will share for breakfast...and chatting w each other during lecture when it gets boring...those simple things...

but i must admit...without all the distractions...i dont fall aslp in class and i pay more attention! but maybe because i have only 2-3 hrs of lecture instead of like 7.... poor juniors. >.< i cant wait for this paper to be over! 

it sucks to know and admit it to yourself that there are people out there who dont like you. you wonder what u did wrong....but u would prolly not know. but that is reality. :( just have to live with it. and pray that everything would get better...

可能我越帮越忙。。。what would an only child know right? 只会令人讨厌。。。i have learnt things the hard way. i wont cross the line again...

the girl next door

yes. everyone is envious of one each other. wanting something the other person has but you dont. be it looks, money, intelligence. yes i am guilty of that sometimes. who can really say we are 100% satisfied with ourseleves. but i always got to remind myself that we are all born differently. looks is prolly the easiest to change, with the right clothes, make up, diets etc. but what really is inside you, your attitude, your heart, that will outshine your looks. 

people maybe attracted to how you look first, well humans are visual creatures. but slowly, it is whats inside that will come out. people will forget about how you look because they would either be captured by your personality or put off by it. 
either that or you would attract the wrong attention. attracting the fake and the hypocrites who want to ride on your popularity, to get things out of you, from you. benefits. that you wont benefit from. but feeds your ego. but what is the point in all that? when you really need someone to turn to in times of need. who can you really trust? who are your true friends? 

so what if you are just a plain jane?just "the girl next door"? even and ugly duckling can become a beautiful swan naturally. 

at least i have trustworthy friends and someone DEAR who loves me for me :) 

short break

as i have previously mentioned... or not. i am on a short break from school. not a well deserved break...but a break none the less. 

this break. really nice. break from going to school break from the people in school break from studying break from everything school related. just lazing at home. getting to do things that i havent had to chance to really relaxingly, without a worry or care, enjoy doing. like baking and reading watching tv...

tried all sorts of new things that i have not tried before. ventured out of the basic cookies and muffins. but onto something still easily done but not the usual. eg. lemon bars and mushroom bacon quiche. turned out to be quite a success. not perfect. but acceptable to my and dear's standard :) that is the important part. 
ofcoz again...my bread was disastrous...i can never bake a perfect bread...why?? but i shall try again...

and reading. read a novel today...a whole book in a day. was so awesome. got to experience those feelings that i used to when i read a book in the past. laugh at the jokes, cry at the sad parts...maybe the book is really good. but its abt a girl who feels insecure all the time abt herself and she manages to realise that she is beautiful as she is :') the title of the book is my big nose and other natural disasters. guess which part she hated abt herself the most. hahas!

and my mood has really improved. because now everything moves at the pace i want. i do things i want to do and i get to decide when i want to do it. i get adequate sleep and rest. like 10 hrs a day man! and i get to just relax and enjoy home movies on saturdays or just walking around with dear. 
everything can be done without a preoccupied mind. without worrying like oh no. i got this project or report due date coming up i got a test or exam coming up...

and i also get to spend more time with mummy like shopping or having lunch together...or even just being at home with her..at least she has company now. 

but that having said...a part of me wishes that i dont have to retake any damn exam and actually started my internship already. but well. life gives you lemons...make lemonade...

improvements

my mood swings has been better...still occassionally bad...

but ever since BIG BANG'S ALIVE GALAXY TOUR CONCERT...i feel much happier. mayb it is becoz of the belting out the songs together or screaming my lungs out to cheer them or getting sun burned... or having  music therapy from their live voices....whatever it is...it works...worth the money spent.
and mosh pit...was really a diff experience...all the squeezing and lack of air is worth it when u can just see them so close like u could touch them but cant...
ahhh now i can experience what i always see at DBSK concerts... where the fans get to shake hands with them....
never before. have i been to a concert this good. well the short moment of a joint concert which 2ne1 and big bang participated in was quite good...but wasnt enough...now just big bang was really awesome...but not enough! I WANT MORE. WE WANT MORE. PLEASE COME BACK!! GD is really full of charisma and like a chameleon...and daesung's voice was really awesome and seungri and taeyang r really entertaining and TOP is just...TOP hahahha!

a YG family concert would be interesting too! imagine it... 2NE1 + BIG BANG + SE7EN....ok la the se7en part was slightly anti climax but his songs r nice also!

today...just had the suckiest paper of my life...taking a break before resuming studies for the next on friday...im guessing i would be meeting this ppr again next yr...zzz

just to motivate myself..

no improvement

i really wonder if i have depression...or maybe bipolar?one moment im happy and the next i get irritated/angsty/sad/crying/
it takes so little to trigger the tears to fall from my eyes. things hasnt changed or improved much since the last post. im at a loss. all i can do is wallow in self pity and cry. 

dear is just a poor thing. needing to take care of his own problems with my own also on his shoulders.
i can help him or other's with their problems. i just cnt seem to help myself. 

for the past 1 year....since last year august 2011 to now september 2012, i cant rmb another time like this that i was this unhappy all the time. i do try to make myself be happy in front of others, in front of friends. but when im alone at home. when i am free...that's when it all begins. usually that happens before bed...so crying to sleep is starting to become a practice. 

changes need to be made. changes need to start. soon i will be 21. perhaps then...that is when all will start changing...

Negative energy

so much negative energy in me lately. initially i blamed it on PMS. but now the time of the month is over! what excuse can i have now? i have happiness in my palm...but i cant seem to grasp it and it is slowly slipping away. im slowly slipping away...i cant seem to find my true self anymore. just like a chameleon adapting to the colours of the environment that you don't even know the true colour of that lizard.  usually the negativity lasts for a day and when i wake up the next, it goes away...but this time...it keeps coming back. im making the people around me tired. im feeling tired myself. the negatives seem to overcast the positives. what is the solution? i think i know the answer...but what am i doing about it? thats what makes me hate myself more.

its like a mine field....just a slight touch would cause it to explode....

i feel so sorry...becoz it seems like only that one person is bearing the heat of the fire.

hello happiness...tell me where you've been.