open sesame

on my birthday. my so called clique in uni bought me a present. a cap from accesorize! rly surprised. made me feel bad for my prev. post. made me open up a little more. but i wont say TOTALLY. it wont be the same as poly. or RC girls. heh. till now i find RC girls a miracle.

right anyways. truely. friends. thats all i need. bgr. pfft. just a plus point.

hell on earth

everyday going to school is like hell on earth. i really dont mind doing mundane repeated things daily. but this is different. u see i learn one subject/module a mth. that means for about 30 days i learn one entire subject. then there would be about 4-5 days of study break and then the exam. funny thing is. for the entire 30 days all i do is sit in class and try ant to fall asleep with all the noise i hear going in from one side of my ears and coming out from the other end. yes noise is referring to the teaching teaching and talk and not the students' chitter chatters. and only during that 4-5 days of study break do i have the time to actually absorb every single thing that was said in the previous 30 days. on top of that. the class isnt doing anything to help me enjoy my life there. probably i am the only one. perhaps blame it on my anti-socialness. or my selective socializing. whatever it is. im feeling alone in a crowded room. there is nothing in particular especially wrong with them. they are nice people. but they just arent the right people.

if i had a choice i would skip lunch altogether rather then spending my time eating with my classmates. but my hunger keeps me from doing that. yeah they are entertaining most of the time. but the things we talk abt. HAH. lets just say i really dont need such touch and go friendships. i am really quite sure that at the end of 2 yrs. i will barely even know their habbits or likes and dislikes etc. much less them knowing mine. because among strangers i have my brick wall of defence complete with a stony face. HEH. get the pun? =P yeah i guess we are all a little split personalized.

so really when im actually asked to hangout w them aftersch hours. ofcoz im reluctant. im already gritting my teeth 5 days a week in school just to bare with the torture and practically run out of the class room every day not wanting to spend any additional moments of torture. do i still need to grit my teeth and spend an opportune moment of escape with something that tortures me that much.

if any of my classmates were ever to read this . they may get angry, offended , annoyed. but really there is nothing wrong with them. they are good people. it is probably just me. im just not someone who would have friendships with people just for the sake of it. so maybe i see them as collegues. or classmates. just to help each other out. yeah that would be a better name for it.

so just another little more than a month and it really is a get away from there. my great escape for 5-6 weeks. something i am looking forward to. so many great awesome things ahead. but the longer the holiday the harder it is to get used to school once again when it starts after the holidays.

and the only thing right now that distracts my thoughts away from self pity is thinking about my baking and what i am going to do during the holidays. and my occasional outtings with vinana or poly clique 6.

oh what a life.

fresh

i have decided to update my blog more often. once again i cant stress enough how i have neglected blogger coz of twitter.LOLS~!

they say dreams are your subconsious mind working. but sometimes im nt even thinking abt smth and yet i dream abt it and then it makes me think abt it. and that is usually something i dont really wanna think about. rather i would wanna forget.

its so funny. why do i always like someone i could never get? ah.because the good ones are usually taken.

really too fiery these few mths. HAH. my mum say i watch too many korean dramas. and usually they will have women who are quite fiesty. arh?really? ahaaha.maybe.don't tt show how well i fit into the korean society? LOLS.

i dont know why there is this nagging awkwardness lately with the LG. plus after what has passed. the feeling is worst. maybe because it is a place where anger is frowned upon. where everyone has to clench their teeth and smile eventhough their heart and head is about to explode with anger. ahhh....those judging eyes. always the reason why the gap can never be closed. everytime i take a step forward. i take two steps backwards.

i forsee a hectic schedule again in school with many labs. but i do not care. i must have my drink this wed. and cutie singer. and no i m nt an alcoholic. heh ^^;

wanderless wonder

i wonder if i should change to a tumblr account... that way it would be easier to update because all it takes are a few pictures. and pictures speak a thousand words.

anyways, the new life in uni. seems much less of the life i knew.pure carefree joy is like a luxury for me. because its so hard to come by. what would it be like if i had not chosen this path? i have always wondered to myself. how different would it be? would i really have much more joy than this? infact....stress is like a cheap sales now. because in cheap sales...u get more things that what u actually planned to get. so im getting more 'stress' than i really want...or need.

anyways....i am a person who finds it very hard to make decisions. but when i have made up my mind...i m not one to change it. however. there is this one issue that breaks the norm. this issue is a deviant. it is when it concerns issues of the heart. for years i have never been able to break out of this web. and recently....or rather mayb nt so recently...it the web just got thicker. just add another to the unsolvable equation. -_-; for the most unexpected. ha. i doubt anyone really reads this now anwyays. its just my avenue to rant.

but through this hell hole. i feel so much better everytime i spend any free time i got with you,although mayb its nt so often. its almost wierd to be true. i wonder how u would act if u knew. coz i knw u prolly dont feel the way i do.

when i m free i really gotta sort things out man. my heart is really so messed up. i dont even know where these thoughts suddenly come from.

so this is how i always feel when i dream about u....bittersweet...

wait....now this is which you?

u see the funny thing is....in the end....i wont be with either two. thats the saddest part.

countdown to loss

just another day to the loss of freedom. lols. less than a day actually....sighs...the start of school again. with new people, new teachers, new environment, and new subjects....or fairly new la. and luckily there is smth old. lynn. LOLs.

but honestly, im someone who would prefer to stick to my comfort zone and not try new things. =/

this holiday from april to aug, 4 months, i would really like to thank god to all the changes, both good and bad, that he has made in my life. trying out many new things as well such as small things like making kimchi, and bigger things to gg korea with Lders and myanmar mission trip.

all i can do now is speculate on how sch would be for the next two years. SUFFERINGS. but i have already planned ahead. im someone who loves motivations. and my motivation would be to go to a 1 mth long getaway to korea. with whoever is available...ofcoz best would b w Lders agn XD since we three can spazz tgt abt ALL korea related stuff hahahas.

i shall try and blog more now that sch is starting. but im sure that twitter would still end up being more abused. my poor followers.HAHHAS.

and i also havent been updating my food blog =/

new time table, new priorities to be set. HWAITING~

dream queen

i think i have a sleep disorder. since idk when i have been having dreams every single night. multiple dreams....dream within dreams...etc. and it makes me tired when i wake up tt no amt of sleep is really enuf. it is good when i have good and happy dreams ofcoz...coz it wld keep me happy the whole day. bad if it is bad dreams. duh. when i say bad i dont mean like scary ghost whatever. but like realistic scary.like someone dying.

these few days been having lotsa good dreams. mayb tts why its been putting me in a good mood. hahhas. this whole week in fact XD.

lotsa dreams seem to bring back ppl frm the past. HAH. weird but interesting. mayb tts why im in an even better mood coz srsly i feel e past is better than the present and future. accept for Lders and clique 6...e past few 3 yrs were quite a blur and bleh. =x

but living in the past isnt a good thing...it makes my present life look so bleh...and it makes me wish stuffs i knw wont happen. make me feel things i knw tt r baseless feelings. not good at all coz all those feelings that i tried so hard to get rid of is slowly coming back. i knew this would happen sooner or later. but i have always been in denial.

i hate the green monster. i guess over the years no one else would do because they r just not you. =/

kwave concert!

wow i better type this all out here before i forget! lols...as it is i dont even rmb all the songs that were sung alr =(

1.FT island and they sang love love love, hello hello, bing bing bing, barae

2. touch, with rockin the club, today, and idk wad....

3. x-5 with fantasy, the show is over and don't come near me

4. dalshabet with pink rocket, some song and then supa dupa diva

5.teen top with clap man, supa luv, angel?

6.Dae Guk Nam Ah(The Boss) with stumble stumble, admiring boy, and idk alr =/

7.Miss A sang breathe, some english song, some slow song and then you don't know me

8.ukiss sang bingeul bingeul, 0330, everyday, and man man hani

9. 2ne1 sang to anyone, lonely, can't nobody and i don't care

10. big bang first sang tonight, then seungri had two song solo, taeyang had 2 song solo, GDTOP had 2 song solo double bubble and high highand then big bang sang love song and put your hands up?

i really wanna see beast and mblaq live! i hope the next kwave concert would have them inside. and i wanna see like 2ne1 and bb agn and like dbskJYJand FT! whoo~ its always like this after a concert...I miss jonghun so much! like I feel I didn't get to see him enuff bit he cut hair back to his flippy soft kind and he kept flipping his hair too! poor minhwannie! cnt play w e rest during Bing Bing Bing :( the grps like touch,x-5, the boss D-NA n teen top really far exceeded expectations! there were so many look alikes a feel alikes haha like teen top had a guy tt looks like a young ver. of seven. then karam frm the boss was like jaejoong. then touch and x-5 had a 2pm feel but less annoying =x basically it was worth every cent! like 3.5 hrs lor! next time I wanna like go agn...provided they at least haf some main grps I like first...o don't mind rookie grps anymore! hehe XD

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renewal

looking back and reading my previous post makes me feel so guilty about everything. its so funny how a few mths ago i was so blissful...and suddenly i have become hard hearted and did a drastic move...i find myself so scary. sighs...i wonder if im fated to haf this kinda sad life. but i gotta do what i think is right.

on the other hand i got admitted into massey university. a uni that i was so bitter about because of their screwed up system. but then agn when it is offered...without any pride i accepted. guess this kinda matters pride shldnt come in ur way.

its gonna be a hard 2 yrs though. and i hope tt lynn wld be able to help me...otherwise i'd crash n burn on my own. =/ esp maths...which i suck at =/

a new life ahead. with bittersweet changes and renewal. i hope somethings dont change though. like i wld aways haf my Lders w me and my besties. <3

comparisons

comparisons. this is wad people do all the time. compare the good stuff, or the bad. and sometimes compare ourselves to others or others with others. either way. sometimes comparison will put a person down and delude our state of mind.

it will make us start questioning ourselves. and sometimes in a bad way as well. and the effects are as bad.

it could have started or led to things such as envy. and dont get me started on envy. because once it progresses and turns to jealousy things and start to get ugly.

and so who really knows a human heart? sometimes we seem worst than animals. often compared to the loyalty of dogs. everyone is different. and yet somehow the basis are the same. it seems easier to understand others based on their behaviour and thinking. and it seems so clear to us. however, their would be the more cynical ones or the more paranoid ones who would probe ur thoughts and behaviour. because the cynics feel that things are never as they seem. could this be because of their own behaviour and thinking?thats why they think the same applies to others?

so the question is. when do u take things at face value and when can things really not be as they seem?

yes. i compare. i envy. and im cynical. and that equals to disaster brewing in my head.

back from paradise

ok korea is like the new place i dont mind migrating to anymore. aside from like london. LOLS. and besides its always good to marry someone asian rather than an ang moh right? ahahhas plus korea has cheap cheap cosmetics to encourage u to maintain good complexion.

and the food is sooo awesome~! i miss it like soooo much and like the food back home in singapore now seems so fake and lame like nothing compared to korea's original version. and although i miss korean food so much it just doesnt tempt me back here in singapore...

and although we had to walk like mad just to change from one mrt line to another. not like singapore where u just cross over and its the other line alr....and although it was quite tough but it is really good natural exercise man...i mean u can so easily just get ur 30 mins a day exercise just by using the mrt....and suddenly singapore's mrt is so boring and it just doesnt gif me the enthusiasm....like there are no korean celeb adverts arnd or like shopping centres dont play kpop songs and drive u mad...

i wonder how long it would take for me to snap back to reality and get back to normal and get used to the way things are in singapore. i am already thinking abt when and how i can go back there again like REALLY soon! gosh....not enough not enough~ T.T