have you ever thought u knew someone really well but yet sometimes u think you dont know that person at all?
have you been so close to someone but yet sometimes feel so distant?
have u ever felt soooooo happy as if nothing could bring u down and yet the next instant something bad happens that does?
have you ever thought u'd die from some sadness but yet u still living?
have you ever felt like u have tons of friends and still feel something is missing?
have u ever felt that u are the luckiest person in the world and still get jealous of someone else who has more?
have you ever wished you could be someone else?
have you ever said something and wished u had bit ur tongue?
have u ever felt so angry you thought u were gonna explode?
have u ever felt so bored that banging ur head against the wall seems more fun?
yes i have
and now my answer is pray and seek solitude from god
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
busy at the wrong time
nothing is as i have expected so far working here. i am here just wasting my time away without any sense of acheivement. jealousy and envy is all i can say to describe how i feel when i hear the stories of how "bad" the students are that lynn tells me whenever we meet up. at least she has the experience of them even being bad. as for me? who am i to comment at all, for i have not even had the chance to taste such rebellious behaviour.
pardon me for my use of formal language and full sentences with flowery words for i have just read a book consisting of students' compositions. although it does not seem interesting at all to a normal person, it is interesting to me when compared to doing nothing. how i yearn and wish for my working days back when i was selling bedsheets. although customers were just a few, the fun i had there was plenty.
and on top of all the excitment, i am stuck with an eejit that fits the word BORING to a tee. i am someone who likes to entertain and be entertained. but all i am getting for the past 2, coming to 3 weeks is just one end of the bargain. as you would probably know, i have given up on thinking and brainstorming on topics to talk about as they are just mostly me doing the useless banter.
and finally not forgetting, i hardly have any ME time to myself now. gone are the days where i could sleep at 2-3am and only wake up at 1pm and slowly cook myself a very satisfying simple lunch and re-watching VCDs or going on youtube. it seems like there are a thousand and one things i have yet to accomplish whenever i am back home. but in school, the days are are just mundane. and i am just watching the days crawl by me like a tortoise that has an overly-heavy shell.
i am even blogging right now because i am so free and i can hardly find the time to do so at home. what's with the irony in all this?
and with all this free time, i just keep filling my head with memories and think thoughts that are just uneccessary. sometimes i just feel like giving up on my mission. but that would just bring me back to square one and all the effort and determination i had put in would all come to naught.
=bell
pardon me for my use of formal language and full sentences with flowery words for i have just read a book consisting of students' compositions. although it does not seem interesting at all to a normal person, it is interesting to me when compared to doing nothing. how i yearn and wish for my working days back when i was selling bedsheets. although customers were just a few, the fun i had there was plenty.
and on top of all the excitment, i am stuck with an eejit that fits the word BORING to a tee. i am someone who likes to entertain and be entertained. but all i am getting for the past 2, coming to 3 weeks is just one end of the bargain. as you would probably know, i have given up on thinking and brainstorming on topics to talk about as they are just mostly me doing the useless banter.
and finally not forgetting, i hardly have any ME time to myself now. gone are the days where i could sleep at 2-3am and only wake up at 1pm and slowly cook myself a very satisfying simple lunch and re-watching VCDs or going on youtube. it seems like there are a thousand and one things i have yet to accomplish whenever i am back home. but in school, the days are are just mundane. and i am just watching the days crawl by me like a tortoise that has an overly-heavy shell.
i am even blogging right now because i am so free and i can hardly find the time to do so at home. what's with the irony in all this?
and with all this free time, i just keep filling my head with memories and think thoughts that are just uneccessary. sometimes i just feel like giving up on my mission. but that would just bring me back to square one and all the effort and determination i had put in would all come to naught.
=bell
Thursday, September 24, 2009
ups and downs
on tuesday i had a class with sec 1 normal students. and they were really naughty but really entertaining. and it made me really wanna be a teacher then.
and on wed ytd, i had a practical class with sec 1 express students. and they were really well behaved and nice and enjoyed the recipes i had found for their "mocktail" drinks. i felt a great sense of reward at that time and it made me wanna be a teacher even more. but then i was thinking... this is only sec 1 classes. will sec 2,3,4,5 be as fun? or will it be more challenging or more difficult? and ofcoz there are more stuff to being a teacher besides just teaching. besides that there are meetings and other admin stuff to do and ofcoz meeting difficult parents as well.
so it really is making me think twice. and at the same time i am praying abt it and asking if that is my calling. i do belive i have the passion for the subject FNN and HECONs....but is that what god wans me to do?
yes speaking of god. i have been doing my QT consistantly since mon. yay me. and i believe rach and yu ru have been trying their best too as i get reminders from rach almost everyday ^^ thanks dearie!
so far i have not been thinking too much abt the decision i made. i know it really is drastic and everything. and i have been pushing the issue to the back of my mind so that i won feel sad abt it or whatever. infact on that day i thought i would cry to sleep or smth. and then before sleeping i prayed and i suddenly felt a sense of calmness and was thinking " why shld i cry? i dun wanna have a stuffed nose before going to sleep. and my eyes will be puffy tmr" and i slept immediatelyafter that.
however, ytd, while watching singapore idol, i heard the song breakaway by kelly clarkson and it reminded me...BUT the song kinda further encouraged me to breakaway.
and seriously....i am getting bored in school. coz my partner is the OPPOSITE of me totally. and soooo quiet that if i dun talk he doesnt either and it drives me NUTS! coz im someone who kinda hates keeping quiet the whole time. and i hate being the "leader"...i mean...HELLO. he is the guy here.
p.s. i am in school blogging.LOL.
=bell=
and on wed ytd, i had a practical class with sec 1 express students. and they were really well behaved and nice and enjoyed the recipes i had found for their "mocktail" drinks. i felt a great sense of reward at that time and it made me wanna be a teacher even more. but then i was thinking... this is only sec 1 classes. will sec 2,3,4,5 be as fun? or will it be more challenging or more difficult? and ofcoz there are more stuff to being a teacher besides just teaching. besides that there are meetings and other admin stuff to do and ofcoz meeting difficult parents as well.
so it really is making me think twice. and at the same time i am praying abt it and asking if that is my calling. i do belive i have the passion for the subject FNN and HECONs....but is that what god wans me to do?
yes speaking of god. i have been doing my QT consistantly since mon. yay me. and i believe rach and yu ru have been trying their best too as i get reminders from rach almost everyday ^^ thanks dearie!
so far i have not been thinking too much abt the decision i made. i know it really is drastic and everything. and i have been pushing the issue to the back of my mind so that i won feel sad abt it or whatever. infact on that day i thought i would cry to sleep or smth. and then before sleeping i prayed and i suddenly felt a sense of calmness and was thinking " why shld i cry? i dun wanna have a stuffed nose before going to sleep. and my eyes will be puffy tmr" and i slept immediatelyafter that.
however, ytd, while watching singapore idol, i heard the song breakaway by kelly clarkson and it reminded me...BUT the song kinda further encouraged me to breakaway.
and seriously....i am getting bored in school. coz my partner is the OPPOSITE of me totally. and soooo quiet that if i dun talk he doesnt either and it drives me NUTS! coz im someone who kinda hates keeping quiet the whole time. and i hate being the "leader"...i mean...HELLO. he is the guy here.
p.s. i am in school blogging.LOL.
=bell=
Monday, September 21, 2009
decisions~
[note:please turn off the blog song when ur reading this post.and listen to the song in this blog entry]
i have made my mind up. i have already done what i should and want and have to do. this time it isnt just empty talk. i have put it into action. sure it is hard. so i am gonna cry to sleep tonight. every single thing i did after i made my decision was like a stab to my heart breaking it into a million pieces
i just watched yunho's movie heading to the ground and i quote " do you know what rots first when u die? your wounds" so if i were to die tmr, my heart would be rotting first.
and what inspired me to be so strong and brave and let go? this song by boys like girls. it suddenly woke me up and opened my eyes. and sealed my fate. no worries nothing korean.lol
i have made my mind up. i have already done what i should and want and have to do. this time it isnt just empty talk. i have put it into action. sure it is hard. so i am gonna cry to sleep tonight. every single thing i did after i made my decision was like a stab to my heart breaking it into a million pieces
i just watched yunho's movie heading to the ground and i quote " do you know what rots first when u die? your wounds" so if i were to die tmr, my heart would be rotting first.
and what inspired me to be so strong and brave and let go? this song by boys like girls. it suddenly woke me up and opened my eyes. and sealed my fate. no worries nothing korean.lol
Little change of the heart,
little light in the dark,
Little hope that you just might find your way out of here.
Cause you've been hiding for days,
wasted and wasting away,
But I got a little hope today you'll face your fears.
Yea I know it's not easy,
I know it's hard,
Follow the lights to this city.
Get up and go
Take a chance and be strong,
Or you could spend your whole life holding on,
Don't look back just go.
Take a breath move along,
Or you could spend your whole life holding on,
You could spend your whole life holding on.
Believe the tunnel can end,
believe your body can mend,
Yea I know you could make it through cause I believe in you.
So lets go put up a fight,
lets go make everything alright,
Go on and take a shot go give it all you got.
Oh yea I know it's not easy,
I know that it's hard,
Know that it's not always pretty.
Get up and go
Take a chance and be strong,
Or you could spend your whole life holding on,
Don't look back just go.
Take a breath move along,
Or you could spend your whole life holding on,
You could spend your whole life holding on.
Don't wanna wake up to the telephone ring,
Are you sitting down I need to tell you something,
Enough is enough you can stop waiting to breath,
And don't wait up for me.
Get up and go,
Take a chance and be strong,
Or you could spend your whole life holding on.
Don't look back just go, Take a breath move along,
Or you could spend your whole life holding on.
Get up and go, take a chance and be strong,
Or you could spend your whole life holding on,
Don't look back just go.
Take a breath move along,
Or you could spend your whole life holding on,
You could spend your whole life holding on.
Don't spend your whole life holding on.
and crap i didnt do my QT. sighs. and it was my idea for the plan. sorry guys. i will make up tmr.
really don feel like going out shopping with mummy tmr. feel like just mopping arnd at home...oh well....i hope i WILL be free after this.
goodbye.
bell
Friday, September 18, 2009
things
really really tired now. and i still wanted to watch yunho's new drama where levina says how handsome he is.hahah! but i am darn tired! and tmr i gotta wake up pretty early to go cycling with lynn, chin ying and aiting
summary:
anyways things i learnt today:
1) some modern guys like girls to make the first move.haha
2) i am not alone in my r/s problem
3) appreciate friends
4) guys somehow dont seem to have as bad effects of the wisdom tooth surgery as me =( like my friend went for it like 2-3 days ago and everything seems fine. i couldnt tell at all he went!
5)when u think u have a fish bone stuck at ur throat coz its been really painful while swollowing for 5 days. eat 2 small squares of dark chocolate. and voila~ pain is gone. tried and tested twice by urs truly.
6) when u really like someone...it doenst matter if it isnt reciprocated...you'll still do nice things for that person so that the person will be happy. though it is disappointing and heartwrenching at times...
highlights of the days :
1) liang zhi is an FT island Fan thanks to Barae~! he is becoming a primadonna!
2) finally have something to do today. and will be really busy for the next few days. but i prefer it that way
3) i like guys who are sensitive and gentlemanly.hahaha!
4) had seoul gardens with 'L'ders today. yummy! my only meal of the day. LOL!
5) removed stitches for the wisdom tooth and there is a gaping hole left there. scared.
6) totally OVER NH.LOL!
things i am so looking forward to :
1) Ft island coming to singapore next year
2) watching yunho's drama
3) watching jong hun's mnet scandal
4) having a closer r/s with god
5)Eastern Europe Holiday in Dec.
6)holiday with GVrojak
7)letting go~
bell
summary:
anyways things i learnt today:
1) some modern guys like girls to make the first move.haha
2) i am not alone in my r/s problem
3) appreciate friends
4) guys somehow dont seem to have as bad effects of the wisdom tooth surgery as me =( like my friend went for it like 2-3 days ago and everything seems fine. i couldnt tell at all he went!
5)when u think u have a fish bone stuck at ur throat coz its been really painful while swollowing for 5 days. eat 2 small squares of dark chocolate. and voila~ pain is gone. tried and tested twice by urs truly.
6) when u really like someone...it doenst matter if it isnt reciprocated...you'll still do nice things for that person so that the person will be happy.
highlights of the days :
1) liang zhi is an FT island Fan thanks to Barae~! he is becoming a primadonna!
2) finally have something to do today. and will be really busy for the next few days. but i prefer it that way
3) i like guys who are sensitive and gentlemanly.hahaha!
4) had seoul gardens with 'L'ders today. yummy! my only meal of the day. LOL!
5) removed stitches for the wisdom tooth and there is a gaping hole left there. scared.
6) totally OVER NH.LOL!
things i am so looking forward to :
1) Ft island coming to singapore next year
2) watching yunho's drama
3) watching jong hun's mnet scandal
4) having a closer r/s with god
5)Eastern Europe Holiday in Dec.
6)holiday with GVrojak
7)letting go~
bell
Thursday, September 17, 2009
fangirling 22 (wonder boys!)
i just couldnt resist putting this up. and honestly.i started getting addicted to the songs only after watching these. which is kinda odd for me. lol. and key and wooyoung is super <3 and i miss jaebeom!
first one is gee by snsd and i really think shindong from suju is cool! he is the one who speaks first.it is really rare to find a bigger sized guy compared to the sticks arnd
and this is genie. and...taemin is really too gay for me here
first one is gee by snsd and i really think shindong from suju is cool! he is the one who speaks first.it is really rare to find a bigger sized guy compared to the sticks arnd
and this is genie. and...taemin is really too gay for me here
history?
well so far the school intership has been so....mundane...
its like we are basically paid to.....stone away and chat to pass the hours. hahhha. i think during this 3 days i have asked him TONS of questions alr. LOL. and know his a little better everydaynow the convos are much better. more spontaneous and no need to plan the topic to diccus like i did before.hahaha. but i am glad that i have more things to do now but somehow i feel like now i do not have much time to do.
today i finally came home after school and slept away. sooo tired...
yesterday went out with GVrojak. as usual i enjoyed it lots and couldnt bear to leave those people.and ianson came! yay! after yesterday i realised that he is really funny bitchy has key's image and i really miss hanging out with him. i think he can be like a really good friend kinda thing.hahahha.i laughed tons due thanks to him
he is one of those people whom i'll never forget how we became friends.hahah! it was super memorable! omg. i think i love him.lol. but not in that way la. its really ytd that i really appreciate his friendship and how much a difference he can make.
and also much much thanks to nic.G for pei-ing me after my school ended all the way to meeting with vivian and the rest. although it was kinda weird initially....but it was okay la after a while. we watched aliens in the attic which was not too bad.ahhaha. the guy was handsome. and looked somewhat familiar. i am sooo touched and appreciative for ytd. i promise i will rmb whatever u mentioned abt urself. so please dont feel like kicking me down the stairs anymore.hahhaha.
i actually quite like to rmb people's likes and dislikes. coz its really interesting.
yay tmr school ends early.and it is casual day! HAHAHA. so like jeans for me. and after that it would be Lders outting to seoul gardens! i have been waiting for this day since the second day of the wisdom tooth operation last week.lol. i guess tmr would be a short day. with alot of stuff to complete! x.x
and after yesterday. i realise there are somethings which ARE really difficult to let go. it is really much much easier said than done. & humans are really men of habit
bell
its like we are basically paid to.....stone away and chat to pass the hours. hahhha. i think during this 3 days i have asked him TONS of questions alr. LOL. and know his a little better everydaynow the convos are much better. more spontaneous and no need to plan the topic to diccus like i did before.hahaha. but i am glad that i have more things to do now but somehow i feel like now i do not have much time to do.
today i finally came home after school and slept away. sooo tired...
yesterday went out with GVrojak. as usual i enjoyed it lots and couldnt bear to leave those people.and ianson came! yay! after yesterday i realised that he is really funny bitchy has key's image and i really miss hanging out with him. i think he can be like a really good friend kinda thing.hahahha.i laughed tons due thanks to him
he is one of those people whom i'll never forget how we became friends.hahah! it was super memorable! omg. i think i love him.lol. but not in that way la. its really ytd that i really appreciate his friendship and how much a difference he can make.
and also much much thanks to nic.G for pei-ing me after my school ended all the way to meeting with vivian and the rest. although it was kinda weird initially....but it was okay la after a while. we watched aliens in the attic which was not too bad.ahhaha. the guy was handsome. and looked somewhat familiar. i am sooo touched and appreciative for ytd. i promise i will rmb whatever u mentioned abt urself. so please dont feel like kicking me down the stairs anymore.hahhaha.
i actually quite like to rmb people's likes and dislikes. coz its really interesting.
yay tmr school ends early.and it is casual day! HAHAHA. so like jeans for me. and after that it would be Lders outting to seoul gardens! i have been waiting for this day since the second day of the wisdom tooth operation last week.lol. i guess tmr would be a short day. with alot of stuff to complete! x.x
and after yesterday. i realise there are somethings which ARE really difficult to let go. it is really much much easier said than done. & humans are really men of habit
bell
Saturday, September 12, 2009
progress so far
today is sunday. which is one day before the ACTUAL internship and im starting to get nervous.like really.at least i am assured the teachers are nice. but! are the students nice? O.O will give u some updates tmr
most prolly going cycling tmr with the Lders.
and hopefully will get a chance to meet GV rojak this week.
got my new contacts alr. gonna wear it during the teaching thing so that i can perhaps look older.LOL. and also wanna try wearing it permanantly?
went shopping ytd.for teaching clothes. but only managed to but 1 skirt. which is kinda a failure. and also bought a slipper coz i have NONE left coz the one that the all 3 Lders got...mine broke while playing with little kids. =( i really liked that shoe and its new! kinda.
so i gotta borrow a skirt from levina tmr.hopefully i can wear...
and yay! i THINK i can eat proper food alr but chew on my other side. and WOW. i never knew that brushing ur teeth could have such a good feeling. i mean i have ALWAYS liked brushing teeth but this is like a whole new feeling.
been doing tons of thinking so far. and praying. but no answers so far regarding that matter. sighs.
i really wish i could be like aunty priscilla who can hear god's voice talking to her and directing her in every prospect of her life.
and i feel really bad that the LGEE disappointed ryan our LGEE leader and made him feel that he has failed in his duty. i never thought it was a good idea. but...i didnt have the guts to go against the idea.
must i really let you go before i can be free?
bell
most prolly going cycling tmr with the Lders.
and hopefully will get a chance to meet GV rojak this week.
got my new contacts alr. gonna wear it during the teaching thing so that i can perhaps look older.LOL. and also wanna try wearing it permanantly?
went shopping ytd.for teaching clothes. but only managed to but 1 skirt. which is kinda a failure. and also bought a slipper coz i have NONE left coz the one that the all 3 Lders got...mine broke while playing with little kids. =( i really liked that shoe and its new! kinda.
so i gotta borrow a skirt from levina tmr.hopefully i can wear...
and yay! i THINK i can eat proper food alr but chew on my other side. and WOW. i never knew that brushing ur teeth could have such a good feeling. i mean i have ALWAYS liked brushing teeth but this is like a whole new feeling.
been doing tons of thinking so far. and praying. but no answers so far regarding that matter. sighs.
i really wish i could be like aunty priscilla who can hear god's voice talking to her and directing her in every prospect of her life.
and i feel really bad that the LGEE disappointed ryan our LGEE leader and made him feel that he has failed in his duty. i never thought it was a good idea. but...i didnt have the guts to go against the idea.
bell
Thursday, September 10, 2009
totally random
today kinda boring the training thing is. sighs tmr another day to wake up early.ek! save me
and also tmr there will be LGEE bdae celebration and i cant eat the wonderful food they are ordering! ofcoz i think i'd try and chew the pizza REALLY slowly.lol
and i think i am gonna be sick coz i keep sneezzing and wanting to sneeze. and the sneeze aint the sneeze for fun sneeze its the hardcore sneeze.lol!
nervous abt monday when i will be ACTUALLY at the school (hai sing). eks. secondary school ppl scare me.
nothing much to write. i just wanted to post this awesome pic here.lol.i so would like do lean on my boyfren's shoulder too.
and take some zi lian pics together
oh and i just changed the pic just above the tagg board and for every entry just incase u didnt notice =D
bell
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
bad turn of events
today everything was going fine. although my cheeks were a little swollen in the beginging and couldnt talk properly or laugh properly. it slowly got better probably due to the interaction with the Lders and the medication.
bought levina and lynn gifts and gave em the card i made. and lynn managed to get her teaching clothes. and we walked arnd and arnd till i could barely walk properly.
and then i thought i had it all in the bag. i bought a cardigan and was off to buy a dress. but while trying the dress realised the cardigan was too small. and it was nonexchangable, nonrefundable. despite going to the aunty to negotiate and exchange she refused. so i was left without ANY clothes for teaching, wasted my money, have a useless cardigan and a defeated self esteem.
have completely NO apetite what so ever to eat although i was hungry. ate 1/3 porridge at least for show. i wish i didnt love food as much as i did. i wish i was someone who eat to live and not live to eat.
and the latest and worst, park jaebeom from 2PM left. incase u are totally clueless abt the kpop scene, he is the LEADER of2PM. and i just warmed up to 2PM just ytd and now they are doing this to me. apparently the scary and irritating korean netizens dugged up some bad history of his and used it against him. sighs. and now off he goes back to seattle USA. poor 2PM fans. i can just imagine how depressed i'd be if yunho left DBSK.
a little tribute to that beastly man. (click the pic for a larger view)
bought levina and lynn gifts and gave em the card i made. and lynn managed to get her teaching clothes. and we walked arnd and arnd till i could barely walk properly.
and then i thought i had it all in the bag. i bought a cardigan and was off to buy a dress. but while trying the dress realised the cardigan was too small. and it was nonexchangable, nonrefundable. despite going to the aunty to negotiate and exchange she refused. so i was left without ANY clothes for teaching, wasted my money, have a useless cardigan and a defeated self esteem.
have completely NO apetite what so ever to eat although i was hungry. ate 1/3 porridge at least for show. i wish i didnt love food as much as i did. i wish i was someone who eat to live and not live to eat.
and the latest and worst, park jaebeom from 2PM left. incase u are totally clueless abt the kpop scene, he is the LEADER of2PM. and i just warmed up to 2PM just ytd and now they are doing this to me. apparently the scary and irritating korean netizens dugged up some bad history of his and used it against him. sighs. and now off he goes back to seattle USA. poor 2PM fans. i can just imagine how depressed i'd be if yunho left DBSK.
a little tribute to that beastly man. (click the pic for a larger view)
off to sleep now. totally NOT looking forward to the next 2 days and the days to come. totally.regretting.
bell
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