hello happiness

yay another exam down ytd. and from tmr its 73 days to korea! whoots~~

finally getting around to blogging. been a while. always open the pg and just end up closing it in the end.

did so many things to day. the sense of accomplishment makes everything worth while. using the theory of what i recently learnt in the module, tt is called intrinsic motivational factors.LOLS. anyway.

this week has been an emotional rollercoaster ride. glad the knot has untangled and we can all just smile at each other and breathe w proper regulation :x prolly applies only to me.

today did e monthly kitchen celebratory thing that i always do at the end of a paper just to destress and celebrate. after all the kitchen is like my favourite hiding place. so. first attempt for earl grey chiffon cake...a success! hehes. made with lotsa love :) and energy! i cant believe i managed to whisk the egg whites manually until stiff peak! whoo~ fun fun fun =:D lots of improvement can be done ofcoz. esp. sadly. the appearance >_< moment of truth by the critique soon D:

and im brusied and battered all over thanks to muscle aches for stupidly walking down 25 floors of stairs 2 days before. and plus lack of energy in the morning. so what basically happened? "oh no! 1min! run run run *oomph!* *fall* *guy next to me sniggers*=_=;; *lowers head and continue running up the escalator like nth happened**phew~ made it in time* " when i reach sch while waiting for lynn i lift up my pants n i see a big bruise at my knee. and then my ankle and when i reached hm...so was my thigh. no wonder it s more sore than usual.

next mth's time table is so confusing and messy and hectic. i dont want monday to come. infact. i forgot tt i even had sch on monday =_= its the typical post exam mood where i think its a holiday following an exam.

it takes two hands to clap. no one person can be totally at fault and the other blameless. but no matter how much we fight. its the making up and understanding one another better that makes all the fighting worth it. unless ofcoz it ends up killing us before we could even make up :/

hello happiness. i found you at last.

new changes

i think i shld change my blog skin. i should remove some things and add new things here and there. i think i shld stop using blogspot in the first place. everyone is moving to tumblr. but tumblr seems more complicating....thats what i said abt blogspot when i was using easy journal. but then again there is smth wrong with my postings. it isnt the font colour or size tt i want it to be.

this yr. is truely the yr of change. so many countries are going to have elections = high chance of change to the presidents or prime ministers or whichever is impt. 2012. people say would b a bad yr for alot. it sure started out that way. but yet now. things seemed to have improved a whole lot. well at least for me - as compared to the past 6 mths. its like my life is finally moving along to a positive direction. or so i think.

school. more bareable with me having to break down my barriers and being more friendly to my friends and less aloof and cold.

relationships. things still remaining status quo with the besties. and as they say. when one door closes another one opens. this yr just proved that theory. the first door shld not only be closed it should be locked and the key thrown away incase it reopens again. JUST SAYING.

church. coping with the lack of a strong leader for support and readjusting to being on closer terms with the one remaining. feeling closer to my girls as well and feeling their growth is prolly the most rewarding thing of being a leader. not that im saying im a good leader. i did nth rly. they just matured on their own. all god's credit.

fears. they change all the time. new ones added old ones gone or still remains. but worries and fears. they just show the trust that we have in god. so i always remind myself not to worry and to trust him for he is THE most faithful person in the entire universe. and sometimes. fears are the food for devil too.

i hope the tiring circle ends here. i hope this is really the last. i want this to be the last. otherwise. if even this ends up downhill. there is really no other hope alr. coz i feel like ive gotten the best. hopefully nth changes throughout the yrs :x

the days after

and so sch has started for ~ a mth. been closer to uni ppl. HEH. i guess shocking them a little now days with how sociable i can be =P

and once again time passes so fast. just anther 2 more weeks and its exams. AGAIN. =_= sighs. u'd think i wld get used to exams being ever so often right. NOPE. NEVER. and once again. im prolly gg to rely on the study week for crash mugging sessions =_=

things that recently happened are just so life changing. who ever knew right. up and down. waves of emotions

i wonder if i did the right thing. or how things could be done differently or whatever. idk. sometimes i get rly confused w my own feelings....

at least i guess....the chapter of 5 yrs is finally closed. thank god i didnt plan anything ahead for his 21st....

but... these memories can never b forgotten. even if i look at them differently now

speaking of 21st. no matter how i look at it. i can never enjoy a birthday party thank god we turn 21 only once in our lives. just abt another 10++ more to attend this yr =_=''

srsly. cnt wait for korea trip happening in...17 weeks. THAT. IS. SO. LONG.

what are these thoughts that makes the heart guilty

the new year

yes its 2012. a new year. and it does feel so.

yet everyone seems to be down at the begining of the year. that spells like a bad omen.

and rightfully so coz in another ~2 weeks or so school starts again. and then i will find it hard to catch my breath.

these days i feel like im having social suicide. ppl may think i have so many friends. yeah true. maybe. but there are so many different categories of friends. and honestly most of them are under the hi-bye category. then there are those who are like forever friends but we meet up like what less than 10 times a year. and we just try to take those few hrs to cram updates. but how much of the updates are really personal? then there is lgee. but until now it is so difficult to show them my real feelings just coz everyone is just so goody godly. or so it seems.

so it really boils down to my closest of close bestest of best friends. and there were two. but honestly quite enough for me. but really? i always wonder which is the day when we would start growing apart. ><

and so as the new year continues, i feel more alone than ever. and yet wanting to be alone too. everyone turns 21 this year >< its not the presents that i dont want to buy. but more of the parties i dont wanna attend. hence. social suicide.

and so a new year. even more determined to let go for a hand i never got to hold. but always wanted to and still do. but i never know why. i mean i always ask myself. but never get the answer. and sometimes the answer i get is that if i really got to hold that hand. i would realise its not longer the same hand as before. but right aft all those thoughts. there i go wondering what to do for v day and his 21st. BLEH. ridiculous me.

open sesame

on my birthday. my so called clique in uni bought me a present. a cap from accesorize! rly surprised. made me feel bad for my prev. post. made me open up a little more. but i wont say TOTALLY. it wont be the same as poly. or RC girls. heh. till now i find RC girls a miracle.

right anyways. truely. friends. thats all i need. bgr. pfft. just a plus point.

hell on earth

everyday going to school is like hell on earth. i really dont mind doing mundane repeated things daily. but this is different. u see i learn one subject/module a mth. that means for about 30 days i learn one entire subject. then there would be about 4-5 days of study break and then the exam. funny thing is. for the entire 30 days all i do is sit in class and try ant to fall asleep with all the noise i hear going in from one side of my ears and coming out from the other end. yes noise is referring to the teaching teaching and talk and not the students' chitter chatters. and only during that 4-5 days of study break do i have the time to actually absorb every single thing that was said in the previous 30 days. on top of that. the class isnt doing anything to help me enjoy my life there. probably i am the only one. perhaps blame it on my anti-socialness. or my selective socializing. whatever it is. im feeling alone in a crowded room. there is nothing in particular especially wrong with them. they are nice people. but they just arent the right people.

if i had a choice i would skip lunch altogether rather then spending my time eating with my classmates. but my hunger keeps me from doing that. yeah they are entertaining most of the time. but the things we talk abt. HAH. lets just say i really dont need such touch and go friendships. i am really quite sure that at the end of 2 yrs. i will barely even know their habbits or likes and dislikes etc. much less them knowing mine. because among strangers i have my brick wall of defence complete with a stony face. HEH. get the pun? =P yeah i guess we are all a little split personalized.

so really when im actually asked to hangout w them aftersch hours. ofcoz im reluctant. im already gritting my teeth 5 days a week in school just to bare with the torture and practically run out of the class room every day not wanting to spend any additional moments of torture. do i still need to grit my teeth and spend an opportune moment of escape with something that tortures me that much.

if any of my classmates were ever to read this . they may get angry, offended , annoyed. but really there is nothing wrong with them. they are good people. it is probably just me. im just not someone who would have friendships with people just for the sake of it. so maybe i see them as collegues. or classmates. just to help each other out. yeah that would be a better name for it.

so just another little more than a month and it really is a get away from there. my great escape for 5-6 weeks. something i am looking forward to. so many great awesome things ahead. but the longer the holiday the harder it is to get used to school once again when it starts after the holidays.

and the only thing right now that distracts my thoughts away from self pity is thinking about my baking and what i am going to do during the holidays. and my occasional outtings with vinana or poly clique 6.

oh what a life.

fresh

i have decided to update my blog more often. once again i cant stress enough how i have neglected blogger coz of twitter.LOLS~!

they say dreams are your subconsious mind working. but sometimes im nt even thinking abt smth and yet i dream abt it and then it makes me think abt it. and that is usually something i dont really wanna think about. rather i would wanna forget.

its so funny. why do i always like someone i could never get? ah.because the good ones are usually taken.

really too fiery these few mths. HAH. my mum say i watch too many korean dramas. and usually they will have women who are quite fiesty. arh?really? ahaaha.maybe.don't tt show how well i fit into the korean society? LOLS.

i dont know why there is this nagging awkwardness lately with the LG. plus after what has passed. the feeling is worst. maybe because it is a place where anger is frowned upon. where everyone has to clench their teeth and smile eventhough their heart and head is about to explode with anger. ahhh....those judging eyes. always the reason why the gap can never be closed. everytime i take a step forward. i take two steps backwards.

i forsee a hectic schedule again in school with many labs. but i do not care. i must have my drink this wed. and cutie singer. and no i m nt an alcoholic. heh ^^;

wanderless wonder

i wonder if i should change to a tumblr account... that way it would be easier to update because all it takes are a few pictures. and pictures speak a thousand words.

anyways, the new life in uni. seems much less of the life i knew.pure carefree joy is like a luxury for me. because its so hard to come by. what would it be like if i had not chosen this path? i have always wondered to myself. how different would it be? would i really have much more joy than this? infact....stress is like a cheap sales now. because in cheap sales...u get more things that what u actually planned to get. so im getting more 'stress' than i really want...or need.

anyways....i am a person who finds it very hard to make decisions. but when i have made up my mind...i m not one to change it. however. there is this one issue that breaks the norm. this issue is a deviant. it is when it concerns issues of the heart. for years i have never been able to break out of this web. and recently....or rather mayb nt so recently...it the web just got thicker. just add another to the unsolvable equation. -_-; for the most unexpected. ha. i doubt anyone really reads this now anwyays. its just my avenue to rant.

but through this hell hole. i feel so much better everytime i spend any free time i got with you,although mayb its nt so often. its almost wierd to be true. i wonder how u would act if u knew. coz i knw u prolly dont feel the way i do.

when i m free i really gotta sort things out man. my heart is really so messed up. i dont even know where these thoughts suddenly come from.

so this is how i always feel when i dream about u....bittersweet...

wait....now this is which you?

u see the funny thing is....in the end....i wont be with either two. thats the saddest part.

countdown to loss

just another day to the loss of freedom. lols. less than a day actually....sighs...the start of school again. with new people, new teachers, new environment, and new subjects....or fairly new la. and luckily there is smth old. lynn. LOLs.

but honestly, im someone who would prefer to stick to my comfort zone and not try new things. =/

this holiday from april to aug, 4 months, i would really like to thank god to all the changes, both good and bad, that he has made in my life. trying out many new things as well such as small things like making kimchi, and bigger things to gg korea with Lders and myanmar mission trip.

all i can do now is speculate on how sch would be for the next two years. SUFFERINGS. but i have already planned ahead. im someone who loves motivations. and my motivation would be to go to a 1 mth long getaway to korea. with whoever is available...ofcoz best would b w Lders agn XD since we three can spazz tgt abt ALL korea related stuff hahahas.

i shall try and blog more now that sch is starting. but im sure that twitter would still end up being more abused. my poor followers.HAHHAS.

and i also havent been updating my food blog =/

new time table, new priorities to be set. HWAITING~

dream queen

i think i have a sleep disorder. since idk when i have been having dreams every single night. multiple dreams....dream within dreams...etc. and it makes me tired when i wake up tt no amt of sleep is really enuf. it is good when i have good and happy dreams ofcoz...coz it wld keep me happy the whole day. bad if it is bad dreams. duh. when i say bad i dont mean like scary ghost whatever. but like realistic scary.like someone dying.

these few days been having lotsa good dreams. mayb tts why its been putting me in a good mood. hahhas. this whole week in fact XD.

lotsa dreams seem to bring back ppl frm the past. HAH. weird but interesting. mayb tts why im in an even better mood coz srsly i feel e past is better than the present and future. accept for Lders and clique 6...e past few 3 yrs were quite a blur and bleh. =x

but living in the past isnt a good thing...it makes my present life look so bleh...and it makes me wish stuffs i knw wont happen. make me feel things i knw tt r baseless feelings. not good at all coz all those feelings that i tried so hard to get rid of is slowly coming back. i knew this would happen sooner or later. but i have always been in denial.

i hate the green monster. i guess over the years no one else would do because they r just not you. =/